This is from the Prarie Home Companion broadcast, December 6, 2003 bu Garrison Keillor.
If you are traveling soon-consider Lutheran Air the no-frills airline. You're all in the same boat on Lutheran Air, where flying is an uplifting experience.
There is no First Class on any Lutheran Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls, 7-15 bring a salad, 16-21 a main dish, and 22-30 a dessert.
Basses and tenors please sit in the rear of the aircraft.
Everyone is responsible for his or her own luggage.
All fares are by freewill offering and the plane will not land until the budget is met.
Now pay attention to your flight attendant who will acquaint you with the safety system aboard this Lutheran Air 599:
Okay then. Listen up; I'm only gonna say this once. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so will Captain Olson because we fly right at around 2000 feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably indicate the Second Coming or something of that nature, and I wouldn't bother with these little masks on the rubber tubes, you're gonna have bigger things to worry about than that. Just stuff those back up in their little holes. Probably the masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest with you, we're going to have quite a bit of it at 2000 feet, sort of like driving across a plowed field, but after awhile you get used to it.
In the event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying the Lord's Prayer and just hope to gosh you get to the part about forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us, which some people say "trespass" against us, which isn't right, but what can you do?
The use of cell phones on the plane is strictly forbidden, not because they may interfere with the plane's navigational system-which is seat of the pants all the way-no, it's because cell phones are a pain in the wazoo and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would've put your mouth on the side of your head.
We're going to start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style and the coffee pot is up front.
Then we'll have the hymn sing-hymnals in the seat pocket in front of
and don't take yours with you when you go or I am going to be real upset
and I am not kidding, and right now I'll say grace:
God is great and God is good, and we thank Him for the Food,
Father Son and Holy Ghost, May we land in Dallas or at least pretty close.